I have spent many years in my profession working with kids who are either in a divorced home situation or the parents are going through a divorce. I have also worked with a lot of adults who had terrible custody situations growing up. It has been a range of good to mediocre to awful. I am fascinated and disturbed how people can go from liking each other enough to get married and have children to fighting so bitterly with each other and not being mindful of how their actions are impacting their children. Not everyone is this way, but so frequently I see parents pushing for what they want for their children with no understanding of what is best for their children or what their children even want. Divorce is a difficult time for kids, it is a loss for the world they have known, and parents often make the process worse for the kids…the kids they are fighting so hard for. I have compiled a list of dos and don’ts for parents.

Dos and Don’ts:

Do create space for them to talk about their feelings and continue to check in over time even if they say they are okay.
Do put your kids in therapy. They are experiencing a loss and need a safe person to talk to.
Do support the relationship your kids have with their other parent.
Do try to see the situation from their perspective. Their world is being completely changed and they need your empathy as they navigate the new that they didn’t ask for.
Do remember that your children will spend most of their lives as adults not living at home and will pick the level of relationship they have with you and the other parent. What you do now will impact that, so focus on your relationship with your children instead of trying to manage the relationship they have with their other parent.
Don’t talk negatively about the other parent to your kids. They need to be free to love that parent even if you don’t really like that person anymore. Doesn’t matter how bad you think your spouse is, don’t do it.
Don’t put your kids in the middle and talk about the divorce. That is adult business not kid business.
Don’t keep your children from their other parent. Children thrive from having relationships with both parents. They have a different relationship with that other parent than you do. Just because your relationship is ending with that other parent, doesn’t mean their relationship should.
Don’t make your feelings their feelings. They are different people having different experiences.
Don’t think that you need to save your children just because they tell you the negatives about that other parent. There is a high probability that they are telling the other parent negative things about you.
Don’t talk about child support, alimony, or money in general. Money is an adult topic, not something for children to know or worry about.
Don’t make children adhere to a strict custody schedule, allow for flexibility if they ask for it. They are not a possession, they are humans who need a little power in their world and asking to go to the other parent’s house is one of those areas they can have a little power.
Don’t think that the clothing and possessions you buy your kids are yours and need to stay at your house. The items belong to your children, not you. Even if you send your kid to the other house with the “nice” clothing and they come back in the “cheap” clothing, let it go. It only adds to the stress your child feels going back and forth and they aren’t thinking about which parent bought which items of clothing. They see their possessions as theirs, you should too.

Exceptions:

When I am talking about these dos and don’ts, I understand that there are extreme cases with abuse as I spent years working in the field of domestic violence. Unfortunately, all these dos and dont’s come from where there is no domestic violence and no child abuse. All of this comes from homes where each parent thought they were in the right and the children were the ones paying the price. My heart will continue to hurt for the children little and big who have to be stuck in the middle of divorce and really just want to have their world feel safe and to be loved.