A lot of attention is given to cults in our society. Movies, books, and tv shows have all been devoted to the phenomenon that is a cult. Many cults have developed over the years, big and small, and while the details of the beliefs of each cult differs, our fascination stays high. Why are we so fascinated with cults as a society? Is it because we don’t understand how people could follow beliefs that we perceive as strange? Is it because we see people commit crime, self-harm, and even suicide in the name of following their beliefs? Or is it maybe because we are all drawn to a system that on some level we know?

How families operate like cults

In my years working as a therapist, I have had many clients with severe trauma from the family-of-origin(FOO) and one of the difficult elements to help these clients with is helping them overcome the rules they learned from their FOOs. Every family has a set of rules that members of that family follow, the members may not consider them rules, but that is what they are. It varies from family to family what the rules are, how rigid they are, and what happens if the rules are not followed, but every family has rules. Many families operate with a rigid set of rules and anyone who tries to deviate from the rules or make their own decisions will face a negative response. That person will either be called out for their deviation, punished for their words or decision, shamed into obedience, or ostracized from the family. Those reactions sound strangely similar to how a cult responds when its members deviate from allowed responses.

Cults also have a set of rules that must be followed. In the dictionary, one of the definitions of a cult is: great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work. Where does this come from? How does one want to devote so deeply to something, often to the point of pain? I think there is a deep longing inside of us to belong. It is wired into us and from infancy we are searching to be connected and known by others. Sometimes we get this from family and sometimes we have to go searching for this connection and being known. And sometimes the family system is what tells us we are supposed to do. We are wired for attachment, many people have studied and spoken about this. From Bowlby to Erikkson, it is understood that we are meant to attach, which is also about belonging. It is why cults and gangs are so popular, they simulate family…even to the point of having rules and structure that come with belonging to a family. It is almost like rules in families and cults are the membership card that allow you to belong. Without following those set rules, you don’t belong. In gangs, it is the color of clothing and maybe hand signs that show outward distinction. In cults, it is behaviors and responses to situations. In families, it is traditions on holidays and how people are allowed to engage with each other in the family and keeping secrets.

Having a set of rules that must be followed is a way of control. There is always a head person seeking control for their own benefit and they need the behaviors of others to comply with the rules so that they can have their lives look the way they want them to. I would hypothesize that this is so they can feel good about themselves, but I also think that for some people it is so they can manipulate people for self-serving purposes. I could also hypothesize about personalities disorders, but that could lead to a lot of people labeling their family members as having personality disorders just because they are in a family that operates like a cult. Not all the time is that head person only promoting bad, they are often promoting what looks good on the outside. And sometimes what they are promoting is good, but it is not always good or healthy for the whole system. The hardest part about families and cults is that often the good is mixed with the bad. The kindness and helpfulness is mixed with the rigidity about if that kindness or helpfulness is rejected or not wanted. There are traditions that are fun without the freedom to say no to those traditions. The person is engaging and warm and seems nice to people on the outside, but can punish and reject if people or situations do not comply with them.

The hardest part about families operating like a cult is that when you change and grow, the family fights the idea that the system is wrong and will blame the person who is growing. A cult depends on its rules to be followed, it is the only system that makes it a cult and allows it to exist and maintain. A system that is not open to change will reject and blame the element(person) that is trying to make it change so that the person returns to compliance. The response the person receives when they question or try to change the system can be passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive. It can also be physical or mental in its response. Physical abuse can be a way of exerting control just as much as mental and emotional abuse can be. It is the same in a family or a cult, how many people have come out of cults to tell their story of the negative responses they received when they questioned the system, tried to create change, or tried to leave the group.

It is also difficult to recognize what elements of family dynamics may be simulating cult-like behaviors because it is usually the only family we have known and so to us, the rules and the way it operates are normal. People have to be exposed to something different in order to see the system they came from was not. This is very difficult and some of the hardest deprogramming I have ever encountered in my work with people. People do not know which rules they grew up with were wrong and which ones were okay and did not have a maladaptive impact on functioning. It is often like slowly and undo the threads that are weaved into a person’s perception, thinking patterns, and behaviors. And if the person does not know the rule or perspective was wrong, they do not know to bring it up so it can be addressed and changed. These normally come out in the flow of therapy and are “aha” moments about threads that need to come out and perceptions changed.

How does one know if their family operates like a cult? I think it starts with being open to awareness and recognizing that no family is completely healthy and each family has its elements that could be healthier. Once that perspective is gained, then I think it is looking at what rules must be followed and what happens if rules are not followed. Is saying no allowed, even if that means a tradition doesn’t get followed or there is a change to the system? Is truth allowed to be spoked or is it whispered behind closed doors and no one is allowed to say that there is a problem in the system? Is healthy communication and engagement encouraged or is it silenced? If truth is spoken, is it believed or is it denied because the head or members do not want those words to be true? And is a person shunned or ostracized if they go against the rules of the family?

In the pursuit of being healthy, we must all be open to seeing what inside of ourselves we need to change and what in our system is unhealthy and needs change. We must all be open to see how our FOOs have contributed to our functioning and even our unhealthy habits and look to overcome those parts. This is no way a reason to be mean or unkind to family, but it is an opportunity to speak truth and boundaries. However, do not be surprised if you are given a negative response to your words and boundary setting as you have now been educated that every family operates like a cult and cults do not like change.

If you are struggling with family dynamics or have even been involved in a group that would be labeled as a cult, please reach out so that we can help you on your journey to healing and healthy living.