It seems to be a constant problem that we see in our society. We all know someone who is dating or married to a person that does not treat them well, sometimes it was even us in(hopefully) a past relationship. There is disrespect, selfishness, a lack of effort, anger, and an overall air of the other person being a jerk. Why do people get in these relationships and why do some of them stay? Or if the relationship ends, they long for that person and romanticize the relationship and forget about the bad. And then sometimes, they even get back into that bad relationship and wonder why those around them are upset about it.

Thoughts:

There are people we see that we would consider to be “nice” people, who are kind and genuinely seem to care about people. These “nice” people sometimes get into a relationship and the other person sees nice at first, but the more we engage with that other person or hear stories about the relationship, we can see that the other person is not kind. The other person, the designated “jerk,” can have a variety of behaviors that from the outside seem so bad, we don’t understand how anyone would be in relationship with him or her. That person can be angry, controlling, manipulative, a screamer, sullen, angry, rude, and/or dismissive. This person is usually not open to hearing they are the problem in the relationship and will often report they are fine or good. They often even think are great in relationship and it is always the other person that is the problem in the relationship. It doesn’t matter if their relationships are littered with dysfunction and they cannot seem to maintain a relationship, they cannot tolerate being the problem and are not open to being aware that they are the problem (see my other blog about how each of us are the problem in our worlds). The other person, the designated “nice” person, will make excuses for this person and has a tendency to not listen to those around him/her when concerns are expressed. The “nice” person will focus on the positive aspects of the “jerk” or find reasons that the”jerk” is the way he/she is, so they do not have to face the facts of the negative actions in the relationship. If they do acknowledge that their partner has actions that are bad, they often believe that the person will change, despite the “jerk” rarely seeking out help to change. A “jerk” will tell the “nice” person whatever is necessary after there is a problem to get the “nice” person to stay in the relationship, including statements about changing or being different. “I’m going to change” is a very easy sentence to say and often the only hook needed to keep a person in a toxic relationship. It is rare that a statement about change is followed up by a person seeking counseling, a support group, or even just reading a self-help group. But why change when all you need to say after bad behavior is “I am going to change” or maybe buy a dozen red roses?

Why does each person operate this way in relationship? While I do not think that I understand humanity so completely that I can give a full answer, I do have some ideas. I think that for the “nice” person, they are looking for love and to be loved. I think they see the good in the “jerk” and what to help them and fix them. I think that they may not want to be alone and may not know how to be alone and not have a significant other. I believe that they do not have good self-esteem and do not really see the worth and value that they have inside. I also think that they are trying to fix a parental relationship that may have been difficult or not what they wanted a relationship to be. There are many theories out there about how we pick partners, but a good classic is you “marry your parent.” This mainly relates to trying to fix the relationship problems you had with your parent in a new relationship and also we all seek out the familiar. For the “jerk,” this may also apply, but in addition, I think that he/she has been allowed to get away with negative behaviors for so long that they become part of his/her character. A “jerk” was most likely not a mean person as a child, but selfish behaviors and tantrums were put up with and tolerated until the “jerk” feels entitled to the behavior and that there is nothing wrong with what he/she is doing. Maybe some of them are personality disordered and maybe what I mentioned is how people become personality disordered, but the nature/nurture debate is for another time.

As for the relationships between the “jerk” and the “nice” person, it is not love to be screamed at or controlled or hit and yet we all know people who stay in those relationships. Some time ago an individual was sitting in our lobby waiting for their partner who was in session. This individual was watching something on their phone and it was loud. This individual did not respond well to my requests to turn the phone volume down and ended up storming out of the office. My main thought was how someone picked that individual for a relationship and what that relationship must look like. I believe that a person puts up with what they really believe they deserve out of a relationship...to be in a relationship with someone who tantrums when they are told no or don’t get their way. The work with the individual who is dating the “jerk” is really to help that person improve their self-esteem and work on the negative beliefs that lend to putting up with these behaviors. It may also be working through relationships they had with parents and helping them grieve past wounds with parents. How little domestic violence would there be if people really understood how they should be treated. And those “jerks?” They, too, don’t understand their value and worth because if they did, they might throw tantrums and be abusive and have self-destructive behaviors. This doesn’t mean there aren’t personality disordered people out there who are abusive (the Gottmans call them the “pitbull” and the “cobra.”), but most people are just broken and wounded and operate out of a very immature self that they have been allowed to be for a very long time.

Takeaway

If you know someone who is in a bad relationship, it is easy to want to fix it and just tell them to end the relationship. However, this rarely works. It could be helpful to ask them what they get out of the relationship and how the relationship makes them feel about themselves. It could also be helpful to observe how that person feels about self and see what you can do to be love and pour kindness into that person. It you know a person who is a jerk in relationships, you could let him/her know how the behaviors in the relationship seem to you(if the person is open to it). You can also communicate boundaries and make sure you do not put up with negative behavior in your relationship with that person. You can also ask yourself if you are a nice person or a jerk in relationships. And the biggest question you can ask yourself is how does my relationship reflect how I feel about myself?